Please forgive me. You know when I said that I dislike people crying and how it pisses me off? I was lying. The truth is it breaks my heart when I see or hear u cry. And it also angers me, when I know that I am the source of your pain and sadness. And your crying is the reminder that I hurt you. And then I get angry, at myself for ever hurting and making you cry. That I did not treat you as well as I should have.
I hesitate to comfort you, not because I am irked by your sobbing. But because I am unable to forgive myself and I am unable to comprehend how I, as the cause for your tears, could ever console you and stop your tears from flowing; down that pretty face of yours. I scold myself as I hug you; and chide myself for treating you like a princess as you deserve, as kiss your tear-stained face and lips. “I will and must be better to you,” I tell myself.
Yet, I am unable to do so, as my insecurities take over me. You are like a swan, growing more beautiful each day from the ugly duckling that you might once have been; and I am just and ugly toad that happened to be around the pond before you learnt to fly. And you soar beautifully into the sky, while I am stuck on the ground, even digging deeper into the soil at times. And the distance between us just grows as the days pass. So I resort to underhanded methods. Telling you you aren’t pretty, pointing out your little imperfections. Trying to keep the swan from flying so that she will remain by the ugly toad’s side. When in fact, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on. And till today I still question how I ever was able to attract you.
But as they say,” If something is too good to be true, it probably is.” You deserve so much more than I could ever give you, and I was not right of me to tie you down. Despite your many attempts to lift me up into the clouds with you, for now I am too deep in the hole I partly dug for myself. With no light to guide me out from the pitch black darkness of the pit. And you still bound to me through this string which is on the brink of snapping, as I fumble my way deeper into the abyss; and as you soar to greater heights. The gap is putting much strain on us. It is unfair for me to tie you down as if you were my kite, my possession; when you are a living being of grace and sentience.
I can tell you don’t feel the same way about me as you did back then. And I don’t blame you. I am a different person now. The light within me has dimmed, maybe even extinguished. I am no longer the boy you once knew and loved. I am merely a shell of my past self, seemingly the same on the outside yet different on the inside. I could tell when you didn’t cry over me anymore. When your tears were not of sorrow, but of anger for me. I knew it was the last straw, that I had crossed the line this time and there was no way to rewind my error. The words had already left my mouth, and I had no way to retract them.
But this was a good wake up call for me. That I was taking you for granted and that I was totally undeserving of your love and care from the way I was treating you. And now I have made my decision. This coming Friday, when we meet, I will attempt to make it all up to you. I would like our last memory spent together to be a happy one. Because I will then make you decide if you want to leave me, or still remain by my side. I cannot see myself getting any better any time soon. And I don’t want to drag you down in my misery. It pains me to see you get hurt due to me. And it is unfair to you. I would advise you to go. At the state I am in right now, I am not fit to be in a romantic relationship. I am toxic and depressing. So I will set you free. I know there are better guys out there for you. And maybe, just maybe, if I do get better and regain my light and you are still single, I might just try to court you again. But for now, I just can’t. I’m sorry. For everything. I just want to see you smile and be happy, even if I am unable to smile.
I still love you, 3++3lo)!U. I still do.
I have a superpower…
A wonderful power for me.
Guess what it is….
THE POWER TO FORGET…
Every single shit that happens to me, I can just box it up and toss it into some far, hidden corner of my mind. An amazing ability considering the shit I’m going through right now. All this will just pass over and be forgotten. Buried in some deep recess in my brain, where I will never look at it again.
Pain is only temporary. Pain will go away. Locked up with the memories that they came with. It will be as if it never existed at all. I just need to let the pain in the present pass…
Sometimes I think we should just end this early. We are worlds apart, so different from each other in so many aspects. You like the drama, while I avoid it. You like chatter, while I like the quiet. I don’t even know how and why we got together. At the start it seemed like a right decision, but the longer we stay attached, the more I have doubts about whether we can last and if it was a mistake. We seemingly get along well, but I can tell that there are many little differences between us. Arising from the different personalities we have, and the different types of people we are. They say opposites attract. And I agree with that, but opposites won’t last, as they will always be chipping against each other. I don’t know if I should hold on or let go. It is tiring to put up with you, yet rewarding in some ways. But some how, I’m getting more drained each time. Maybe we will be in each other’s future; maybe we are painful lessons for each other. Only time will tell…
Disappointment comes not when you don’t do well, there are people out there who are happy with getting Bs and Cs. It is when you do badly relative to you capacity. This explains why people can be disappointed when they score a B, because they know that they could get the A but they didn’t. And why people can be happy with Bs, because they only expected C or lower. So don’t go telling off that friend of yours who is angry at themselves for missing that A. The absolute result doesn’t matter at all, it is the knowing that you could have done better that makes you disappointed that you didn’t do well, and regretful that you didn’t work hard enough when you had the chance. And that is what makes it all the more painful, knowing that you could have performed better had you stopped fooling around and tried harder. Fuck…
What the fuck is wrong with girls. All so fucking over sensitive and crying over every fucking small shit.
I used to look up to you. But not anymore. Not any more. Look at yourself in the fucking mirror. You are becoming like the woman you hated, seducing a married man and ruining his family and marriage. Just like dad’s mistress. And you tell me it’s sad that I have to think to decide who to follow between the 2 of you? The worst part is that you would not admit that you are in the wrong and think it justified for you to see that married man. I mean seriously? Is there something fucked up with your brains?
What is the point of trying to help you if you don’t even bother trying to help yourself? Its like the chinese idiom: 对牛弹琴 which literally means playing music to a cow, who isn’t able to appreciate the music one performs for it, showing the futility of ones actions. I guess you’ll never understand the importance of a good night’s sleep, and hence my efforts to get you to sleep earlier are just futile attempts. To you, sleep willl never be prioritised over anything, so why am I even bothering and causing more trouble for myself? Fuck me. Why am I so dumb? Wasting my efforts when you only see the conversation we have about what time to sleep as a game where you try to bargain to sleep at a later time. If you want to sleep late, go ahead. I am not going to bother any more, the consequences of your lack of sleep ain’t my problem.
I just realised how bad an impact long schooling hours had on me. It’s like I didn’t even think the consequences of long schooling hours would be so disastrous. As a young boy in kindergarten and primary school, I read the local newspapers everyday, without fail; and I had frequent trips to the library too, where I made an effort to add non fiction books to my reading agenda. All this was because I had lots of free time to kill, so I spent it wisely accumulating knowledge. But when I entered secondary school, the hours of lessons increased dramatically. Lessons ended as late as 3.30pm. And with the addition of CCAs, my day would end at 6-7pm on the longer days: Monday and Wednesday. Homework also started to pile up like mountains. This ruined the healthy habits I had cultivated when I was younger. I no longer had the time to keepcup with the news on a daily basis and I didn’t have the luxury of going to the public library anymore. With my habits destroyed in the 4 years of secondary education, I entered JC. Due to the specialisation of subjects in JC, I ended up with more free time. But I did not spend them as well as long ago. I squandered all my breaks gaming or just doing nothing. When I could have been keeping abreast of the happenings in the world or expanding my knowledge. The news didn’t seem interesting anymore, and I lost that hunger for knowledge, for reading. And so today, I’m the slop I am now. More education was not a good thing in my case. I wonder if there are people out there with this problem too.
Blah blah blah